It was about 5 am the morning of July 16th, 2009. I had been up all night. I was engrossed in absorbing information about possible “heresies” (if they can be called that) within the Church. My eyes were at the time in a lasting squint, partly from the computer screen, and partly from the intake of such information. Both the quantity and genre of this knowledge could be blamed. My earbuds in, I had long before taken to listening to Gregorian Chant and other Sacred music. The holy sounds provided a certain buffer (if only physical) from the difficult arguments I was reading of. My mind raced. I witnessed the ease at which the evil one could enter into the world through the weak-minded and those looking for signs. I did not have the answers as to which signs were real and which were brought up from the depths to ultimately confuse and distract us. I saw that even things that appeared holy and just could be purposed eventually for our demise, because for every virtue there are two corresponding vices. The enemy knows this and wants to play off our human weakness to look for the ways the LORD has worked in the world before. We want signs. In that weakness, I feel he can deceive more well-deserving people than ever before. Playing our emotions and desires, he can draw in many before dropping them all, at great loss of faith, I fear. In some ways I was slowly becoming a dualist that dark evening.
Since that was fairly vague, I will explain in a little bit more detail what happened that night. Among the movements that I researched were the Charismatic Renewal and Medjugorje. I had experienced both in their more minor aspects in small intimate settings, and those situations seemed very fruitful. However, when I delved further into the core of the followings, well, I became very disillusioned. Even frightened to some extent. I was very torn, as well, for a number of reasons. First, the Church does not outright condemn the movements, but She does not outright condone them either. Also, the people deeply embedded in both firmly believe what they experience is directly from God. I knew that scripture speaks on my dilemma from both sides as well. In Acts 20: 29-30 Paul warns the faithful, “I know that after my departure savage wolves will come among you, and they will not spare the flock. And from your own group, men will come forward perverting the truth to draw the disciples away after them.” This idea of false prophets within the people is also reiterated in 2 Corinthians 11: 13-15 and Jude 9-11. Yet, on the other side, in Matthew 12: 31-32 Jesus instructs His apostles with this teaching, “Therefore, I say to you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven people, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. And whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but whoever speaks against the holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come.” With this knowledge, I became deeply distraught. On one hand, I deeply felt that the Charismatic Renewal and Medjugorje could possibly be set-ups with the evil intention of deceiving faithful Catholics. On the other, I desperately did not want to blaspheme the most holy Spirit, who I know is active in this world in mysterious and beautiful ways. Perhaps ways (like the CR or Medjugorje) that I simply don’t understand. As the night pushed on, I felt more and more pulled on either side. It was like something, some force, was yelling at me, “You HAVE to make a decision! Right now! Your soul depends on THIS, NOW!” All the while, I was fighting this, thinking, “No… I really could just go to bed. There is no reason that I have to choose either side. In fact, choosing one side over the other might do more to damage my soul than making no decision at all.” I felt like I was walking a tightrope and that force was telling me I had to jump off one of the sides.
Finally, as the sun rose in my window, I said one more desperate prayer. Then I made the following vow to myself and, most importantly, to the Triune God:
I will follow the word, teachings, and example of Jesus Christ, as passed down through His One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church. I will attempt to live in His holy image, as I was created. I will do this through the rich precedent of His most holy Mother and His devout Saints. I will adore Him in the Most Holy Sacrament of the Eucharist, and come to Him frequently in all the Sacraments. I will read and listen to His Living Word in Scripture. I will attempt to not participate in auxiliary practices of any kind, but I will not pass judgment on them either. If Christ’s Bride, the Church, does not officially, 100% place Her stamp of approval on a modern movement within or outside of the Church, then I will not allow that movement influence on my life, but neither will I chastise those who do. If information does not come straight from the Holy See, through its (righteous) Bishops with approval, or through direct Divine revelation from the Triune God, then I will receive it with a grain of salt and at face value. For I can not and should not endorse or condemn any practice of our faith on this earth that I do not understand, and I can not possibly understand them without the guidance of Mother Church through Jesus Christ our Lord. This is my vow to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
“Whoever clings to me, I will deliver,
whoever knows my name I will set on high.”
Psalm 91: 14
“The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want.”
Psalm 23: 1
I went to bed after making that promise. As I fought off sleep, I tried to finish a Rosary, but I succumbed with the beads still in my hands. I wish I could say I had fruitful rest. Instead, the enemy visited me in my slumber through terrible dreams. I never received any threats or direct attacks, but my dreams caused me to awake 3 or 4 times in a cold sweat. I remember specifically terrifying, deep laughter in each dream, and after one such episode (in which I saw a statue in the image of Christ pointing and laughing at me), I awoke clutching my rosary beads so tightly that my hand had gone numb.
I finally got out of bed around 2 pm, showered, and tried to think of who I could talk to about what I had experienced. The two priests from my parish were both on vacation and I didn’t know who else I could reach. I called a priest I know in Kansas and spoke to him for a bit, but he was rushing to Mass and I thanked him for his time and let him go. I went about the day dwelling ever more on the events of the night (and morning) before. I finally got to sit-down with Brother John, a summer intern from St. John Vianney Seminary in Denver. Brother John attended Franciscan University at Steubenville, which has become the epicenter in many ways of the CR in modern America. He also guided a few of those small, intimate experiences I mentioned in the beginning. Brother John is a wonderful man and listened to all I had to say, all my concerns, all that I did and experienced, and all that I felt. He seemed very concerned. We didn’t really delve into the CR in any depth. He implied he felt it was a fruitful renewal and quoted scripture. I was in no place to deny anything he said, nor would I if I had been; I respect him more than that. He told me he was proud of the vow I made and that I can not go wrong living that life, but that sometimes we can take steps forward that seem like risks. Basically, the talk helped calm me a bit and ground me. A few days before, however, he had asked me to share my conversion story at a praise and worship event scheduled for later that night. At the time I had agreed, but I informed him that I no longer felt comfortable doing so, nor was I in a place that I felt sharing would be fruitful. I attended the event, but sat in the back. I needed a bit more contemplative evening than the others in attendance. When the Blessed Sacrament was brought out for exposition, I fell prostrate on the ground before my Lord. I prayed for the strength to uphold the promise I had made that morning, and for guidance and discernment in these important matters and others. The Lord brought me peace! If not direct answers, at least peace! Deo gratias!
I will end in the same way that St. Jude ended his epistle. He prayed, “To the one who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you unblemished and exultant, in the presence of his glory, to the only God, our savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord be glory, majesty, power, and authority from ages past, now, and for ages to come. Amen.”
Amen.
What Has This to Do With The Stars? 