I just got out of the shower and for some reason I was thinking about this very specific moment in my life back at St. Bonaventure. It is really a pretty obscure moment (a day, really) but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then I remembered I wrote everything down from that day on another blog I was keeping at the time. And then I stopped dead in my tracks….
This is long, but here are my posts from that day back in March of 2008:
First entry, entitled “The Strangest of Mornings”:
“I am in… the strangest place right now. It’s only 1 pm but it has been a very strange morning. I can’t put my finger on it, but something has really thrown me off today.
Maybe it’s that I couldn’t sleep until 6 am after reading my friend’s blog which snapped me back to a time last semester when I couldn’t think straight.
Maybe it’s that I had the strangest night of intermittent stops and starts in my sleep, each occurring in the middle of strange and irregular dreams that I can’t even describe.
Maybe it’s that after all that I woke up early for class today, a class I never wake up early for.
Maybe it’s that immediately after I woke up I received a text from the last recognizable person in my final dream.
Maybe it’s that when I looked outside it was raining and I completely expected it.
Maybe it’s that as I walked to class the “rain” wasn’t sticking to me, but bouncing off my jacket and cap (almost sleet, yet not ice).
Maybe it’s that all through class I simply drank my pop and everything probably seemed normal to everyone, I joked some, I took notes, I got lost in the lecture, finally I left and ate lunch. All normal, but at the same time completely the opposite.
Maybe it’s that everywhere I walked I could feel people looking at me and almost being upset to see a “scowl” on my face. I could see their surprise and I wished I could tell them all, “It’s not a glare, my eyebrows are lowered because I’m thinking.”
Maybe it’s how I felt like I couldn’t tell them this, no matter how much I wanted to or tried. I felt almost trapped behind the expression on my face.
Maybe it’s how I could feel my heartbeat in all my extremities, and how my lips slowly became more noticeable to me as they become dried because I haven’t really closed my mouth all morning.
Maybe it’s how I glanced at the dining hall schedule on my way out of it and discovered I won’t have any food from Friday night until Monday afternoon. And I expected it.
Maybe it’s how when I made that simple glimpse at the chart the small Asian lady who swipes our cards spoke to me. She had been talking to someone else, who was between us, and the person left at the same time that I walked by and she leaned back in her chair and said to me (though she wasn’t looking at me at all), “I’m sorry, you’ll have to find something else to eat over the weekend, seeing as you’re staying over break. Maybe order something since you can’t cook in the dorm you’re in.”
Maybe it’s how I haven’t ever really talked with her before, much less ever mentioned to her that I was staying this weekend or which dorm I live in.
Maybe it’s how my eyes keep going out of focus when I’m really thinking hard about something.
On the other hand,
Maybe it’s just the paper I have due tomorrow that I can’t write.
So even after that lengthy and somewhat strange description of my morning and why I might feel how I do… I’m lost. I look at what I wrote and just kinda shake my head…none of it really makes sense to me. Hell, saying it doesn’t make sense didn’t even make sense. It’s like there’s something inside me just itching to get out through my fingertips and use this keyboard to explain itself but I’m not doing a good enough job. And I know that because whatever it is that wants out is not happy with the job I’m doing. Causing me to scowl and think and shake my head when I don’t get it right yet again. When I read that it sounds very creepy. It’s not like a possession, don’t get me wrong. It’s more like… I know there’s something inside that I want to try to explain, and I am upset with myself that I can’t figure it out. I guess that’s a decent enough explanation because when I read that I finally didn’t shake my head in disgust, but rather shrugged as in “Well, I guess…”
So I guess this is kind of a plea. To no one really. Because I know that no one really reads this blog. But I obviously can’t figure it out on my own. Maybe… just maybe… if someone reads this and they get inspired… tell me. Maybe that’s the answer. Maybe.”
Second entry, entitled “Father Dan”:
“Ok, so if you read my last blog, you know that this morning was really weird. Well this afternoon really wasn’t much different. I would sit down to work on my paper, eventually get frustrated with my thinking about other things and go for a walk. This happened several times. So anyway, as I walked in the rain (thinking, of course) I kept running into a certain friar. Father Dan is an amazing guy and I’ve talked with him A LOT this semester (pretty much anytime that something has bothered me) and he just seems to be everywhere I am when I am in most need. He is an extremely jovial man and his laugh is incredibly infectious. At the same time, he always seems to know something is wrong just from a glance. So like I said, I kept bumping into him on my walks. There he was at the intersection of the paths. As I walked through UMin I could hear his laugh echoing between the walls. He was outside of Doyle Hall as I entered it. Over and over! Each time he was headed somewhere so we never really said much besides pleasantries.
However… after the first meeting it seemed he could tell something was up. He laughed when he saw me and then he asked how I was and I said (lyingly), “Fine.” That’s when he lost the grin and cocked his head at me. He didn’t say anything, but when he left he looked back. I felt like I had troubled him, which troubled me. Later, the final time we found each other, I looked at him and said (before he could say anything), “Again!” He was with another priest walking and he smiled and said, “Yes!” But then… as I walked by he turned and said to me behind the other man’s back, “Soon, Mark. Very soon,” and he smiled that huge grin and walked away. I almost stopped in my tracks. I don’t know why. What did he mean? This has been what I’ve thought about all afternoon now. The thing is, every time I think about those words and I see that round cheery face, balding head, gray beard, and ear to ear smile… I feel better. I think, “He’s right. Soon is right.” I still don’t know what “soon” is, but I know he’s right. That’s kind of all I need I guess.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still in a weird state… I’m still shaking my head when I type things (like this) and I’m still thinking about everything, but… in the back of my mind… I know one thing:
“Soon, Mark. Very soon.””
At that point in my life I was very far from the Church and my faith. I did not pray unless I was distraught (which happened more and more often that semester), I was caught up in partying and lusting after women, and I had become a regular Mass-skipper. So, not surprisingly, I never really figured out what Father Dan meant by those words. I mean, I ended up taking them as an invitation (partly from God, amazingly) to spend Easter weekend with Father Dan and the Friars on Mount Irenaeus, but even then I felt that his words had a deeper meaning for me. That Easter weekend I asked Father Dan about the encounter, and he said he remembered running into me so often, but never saying those exact words. On top of that, he couldn’t really discern what he would have meant either! Luckily it didn’t matter at the time. I finished that paper, probably got a decent grade on it too, and spent a wonderful Easter with the friars (something I will never forget). But in a few months I returned home to Colorado and fell even further from the Faith.
So, fast-forward to tonight. I used my evening to work on an application that I have been putting off. In one way, this application is the same as any other application I’ve ever filled out, but at the same time it is so so much more. Fear has kept me from it, but tonight Love overcame and I finally started the process. This application is for the formation program of the Capuchin Franciscans of the St. Conrad Province, as well as the College Seminary they use for that formation. I have had the application since I visited said seminary in Cleveland about a month ago, but I haven’t touched it until tonight. Which brings us, strangely, to the shower. I often think about random things in the shower, I mean what else is there to do while you rinse shampoo off?? Tonight was different, though. My thoughts seemed almost guided to the place they ended up. First, Bonas just randomly cropped up, which quickly led to Father Dan and the friars. That part is a logical progression, but then I suddenly remembered that “strange morning.” Realize this, I haven’t thought about that morning in any capacity since my Easter visit to the Mountain a few days after. Why did this come up now?? I didn’t question it at all though, just kept rinsing my shampoo and going through that day in my head. Then I got to the part where Father Dan spoke to me. The words hit me, and I simply stopped everything: “Soon, Mark, very soon!” I stood in the stream of water for probably a full minute with those words echoing over and over in my mind. Luckily I snapped back and finished my shower, but immediately after I dried off, I came to my laptop and looked up those old blog posts. All the parallels hit me at once and overwhelmed me to the point of tears. On that day over 2 years ago, I was in a physical fog that I couldn’t describe, and over the last month I have been in what can best be described as a spiritual fog. I can still see just enough to get around, and the sun peaks through every now and then, but I’ve honestly just been schlepping around based on memories and not prayer or direction. On that day in 2008, I was sent someone to pull me out of a situation I was just making worse (I was going to stay in all weekend and basically skip Easter), and the very same thing happened today (thank you, Bob Siemens!). And then, finally, He sent me the same message: “Soon, Mark, very soon!” Just like then, I’m not really sure what that means, but I think I have an idea; and just like then, I am going to follow what I think He means until He shows me my error.
Interesting last parallel: Back in 2008, those words drew me to the Mountain to be with the friars for Holy Week, and today I feel them drawing me to be with the friars again… possibly for many Holy Weeks to come.
Lord Jesus Christ! “Worthy are you to receive the scroll and to break open its seals, for you were slain and with your blood you purchased for God those from every tribe and tongue, people and nation. You made them a kingdom and priests for our God, and they will reign on earth. […] Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches, wisdom and strength, honor and glory and blessing.” (Rev. 9-10,12) Amen. Alleluia!
What Has This to Do With The Stars? 